


Lover's Advocate

by voguelight (sulfurus)



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Dates, First Love, POV Original Female Character, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-03-09 02:29:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18907681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sulfurus/pseuds/voguelight
Summary: Trying to avoid fake and empty relationships may seem like a good idea until you find that in your efforts to stay true to yourself, you've detached yourself from romance and love. If you're unlucky, you might discover that by getting thrown into a bizarre arrangement that takes eight weeks out of your life and changes your outlook on your best friends forever. If you're a little more lucky, though, in the process, you might also find out that having a big heart isn't as bad as you think, and that nothing ever ends up being quite what it seems.This is a first-person POV female reader-insert fic, set in a futuristic urban fantasy AU, focusing on your relationships with four of SF9 members. Rated teen mainly for swearing and slight NSFW content. Tags may change as the story progresses.





	1. When life gives you four dumbass lemons

**Author's Note:**

> This work walks a thin line between reader-insert and original female character centered. Despite the first point of view, and the main character's strong personality, I hope that you will find it easy to imagine yourself in all of these situations. 
> 
> I owe my biggest thanks to Sana (@lushwang) who puts up with my whining and beta-read and edited this for me, and to Rachel (@joshuamericano) who encourages me daily in my creative endeavors and doesn't let me fuck up my own good vibes. Really you two I owe my life to you.

The time registration machine whizzed softly and then beeped when I pressed my finger to the scanner, and then a green light blinked at me a couple of times.

“Time registered. Nine. Twenty. Three. PM.” The robotic lady’s voice echoed softly through the empty corridor, never sounding quite so sad and eerie when there were other people around. That’s what I get for training until late, I thought, and fixed my hair once again before walking out the automatic door and down another corridor, and up another flight of stairs to the common spaces.

I was still sweaty after the training, probably stinking a little. My shirt was literally glued to my back, a reminder of how I pushed myself to my limits and then a little further. I was itching for a shower, a good hot shower to relax my muscles after abusing them for quite some time and then immediately a nap, but I knew it’d have to wait. The first partner matching of the season was already going on in full swing and I was definitely more than late, considering it started right at noon and was going to end right at midnight.

The partner matchings were an annoying chore for half of the trainees at the facility, and an exciting event for the other half. I was in the annoyed camp. Whenever I expressed that particular distress Inseong would punch my arm lightly and tell me that it’s just because I don’t have a boyfriend and then I would agree with him, and then proceed to point out that he didn’t have one, either, so why was he so excited over it, hm? He never answered properly but I knew the answer anyway.

Not having a boyfriend, or anyone else I was dating, for that matter, was surely a part of why I didn’t see the appeal of partner matchings as much as others did, for sure. People who were going out with each other would always excitedly approach the issue of being able to bond their powers and make each other stronger, and quite possibly assert a long future together. Once you bonded powers with someone, you would understand them better, feel their presence on a subconscious level: you’d be able to help them heal and receive their strength just by working together. What couple wouldn’t want that? Everyone seemed to think that it was a natural step in a relationship, first going out, then being a proper couple, then you bond powers and get registered as a match, then you go out on a quest, and as soon as you get back, you get married. That’s the dream.

If you don’t have anyone you’re looking forward to bonding your powers with, however, that changed quite a lot. If you were like me, and one of the not-so-many beams left in the facility, surrounded by an abundance of shields, you’d get approached by people you barely know asking you to just try, just please try releasing your power with them, just to see if it clicks, just to check if they’re right for you, they can feel it, they promise. Desperate, as if a beam-shield match was the only way to go.

I never saw any point in that. If you know you’re working well with someone, just match with them and bond powers to make each other stronger. If you have someone you love, sure, bond powers with them and get a happy ending in your fairytale. But if there’s nobody that you know you will click with, why bother? I didn’t have either, so I kept to myself during the matching season, tucked away in the practice room, beaming away at targets and meditating as much as i could without making my brain melt.

I had to show up eventually, though. I realized as much. No matter how sure I was that I wasn’t going to match with anyone I was as obliged as everyone else in the facility to show up in the registry, scan my finger, update my wristband and get into the common space, and then at least sit around a bit. Even though I procrastinated a bit more by changing into fresh clothes really slowly and fixing my hair three times, and rearranging my clothes in my duffel bag more than necessary, at some point I had to admit defeat and just go through the process.

Finally, my wristband was chirping with anticipation as I was about to enter the common space and mix with everyone else. Let’s make it as painless as I can, I thought to cheer myself up, and took a deep breath, pushing the door open.

Once I stepped inside, it wasn’t as traumatic of an experience as I worried it’d be. It seemed like a lot of the unmatched shields that bothered me during the previous season gave up on their binary agenda and just matched with each other, because the common space was far from crowded. Nobody seemed to pay much attention to me, either, most of the people in the hall was looking really bored, ready to sleep, and, in general, leave. I felt that in my soul. Hoping to attract little to no attention even in my stinky training clothes, I rushed my steps until I got to a table full of my dear friends, spotting it quite easily with Inseong’s pink hair standing out from the mass.

“I probably stink real bad, don’t talk to me about that, I’m already tired and I’ve been here for two minutes,” I exclaimed, putting my bag down on the bench. Nobody really responded, other than the weak “sup” I got from Dawon.

“That’s not a warm welcome. What’s up?” I asked. I think Taeyang said something under his breath but I couldn’t be sure, Rowoon hit his leg really fast. Everyone else seemed… Strange. I decided to take a longer look at all of them.

Taeyang was sitting rather smugly on the table despite just getting smacked by Rowoon, leaning back and all, but also staring at the ceiling as if it was particularly interesting. Rowoon on the other hand was uncharacteristically solemn, avoiding my eyesight and digging his chin into his palm next to Taeyang’s legs. Actually, Dawon seemed to also be avoiding my eyes, sulking next to Jaeyoon, and once i looked at Jaeyoon for more than three seconds he lowered his gaze as well. I tried getting an answer from Hwiyoung, but he just lowered his head bashfully as if he suddenly got shy and shifted in his seat next to Jaeyoon. The only person who didn’t act much stranger than usually was Inseong.

“Inseong, what’s going on, did the boys fuck up?” I asked, assuming the worst from my group of friends. I mean, with both Youngbin and Juho absent I could only expect the worst from the ensemble.

“Better sit down, Neo,” he addressed me with my official alias and I knew that he meant business. I didn’t really use my alias as much as some people, especially in our group. It was only really used on my wristband and my room door, and for other official situations. Inseong pulling it out meant trouble.

“Okay.” I sat down as instructed and moved my duffel to the floor, so I was next to Hwiyoung. “So?”

“How was your training, noona?” Hwiyoung asked me as if I didn’t just ask him something else. I could never be properly angry at him, through, and I wasn’t about to start.

“Fine.” I just sighed. “Longer than usual but went well.”

“But are you feeling anything in your powers?” Rowoon chimed in from across the table.

“No..?”

“Come on, leave her alone,” Dawon responded with uncharacteristic bite in his voice.

“I’m not bothering her!”

“Yeah, let him speak, Dawon,” Jaeyoon, too, sounded almost angry, which rarely happened.

“What the fuck?” I asked out loud, but the only answer I got was Inseong sighing.

“They’ve been like this for the past two hours, really. They’re trying to-- HEY!” Mid-sentence, Inseong got thigh-slapped by Rowoon. “Oh come on, she deserves to know!”

“Know about what?” I asked, but got ignored.

“We’re trying to tell her!” Rowoon was somewhere between agitated and embarrassed. 

“Tell me about what?”

“There’s nothing to tell,” Dawon folded his arms. “You’re being stupid.”

“Oh so I’m stupid now?” Jaeyoon seemed ready to stand up and throw hands, so before that happened, I stood up first.

“Alright, that’s it. I don’t know why you all have your panties in a twist but I am tired after the training and I just want to get through with this useless matching day,” as I started shuffling out from under the table, Jaeyoon and Rowoon both started looking panicked and as if they had something to say, but I just continued on louder. “So if you’re not going to be great company, which you’re not, right now, I’m just going to get out of here and clock out.”

I didn’t even take three steps before I was basically forced to turn around by one person grabbing my wrist and another grabbing my bag, and all the panicked yelling.

The person holding my bag was Hwiyoung, and at my wrist was Inseong, so I decided to not get too angry, not like I could, when they both had such sorry eyes. But the other older boys were all trying to say something and all I could understand was “a match could” and “but there’s still” and also “wait wait wait”, that one was for sure Dawon.

“Jesus, what?!” I finally got angry. The boys quieted down at that.

“It’s still matching day so maybe… You wanted…” Dawon started and trailed off when he heard Jaeyoon speak as well.”

“We could try releasing… You know…” Jaeyoon also trailed off in the end.

I stared at them all for a second. Then for another. Were they saying what I thought they were saying really? Or was I sick in the head and making stuff up?

I looked Rowoon in the eye. He looked away. I looked at Hwiyoung, and I could swear he was blushing. Dawon and Jaeyoon kept staring at me with expectation in their eyes and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I let my bag fall to the ground and out of Hwiyoung’s hand, and as soon as it did, I walked away from it and from the table everyone was sitting at, instead picking a lonely bench, and making sure that as I lowered my face into my hands, I wasn’t facing the disaster site I just left behind.

They were all trying to get me to match with them. Why, though? I couldn’t understand it. They were all shields, sure, except Taeyang, but why has this never come up before? Why would they so suddenly now, this season decide they all want to match with me, without telling me a single word earlier, and all of them at the same time? 

My head was starting to swim when a sudden touch on my shoulder jolted me back awake. I looked up annoyed, only to find Inseong looking back at me softly. With relief, I leaned into his friendly touch and sighed.

“I wanted to warn you about all of this but they all begged me not to.” He muttered and hugged me closer to his side. He was keeping his voice low, and so did I.

“Are they really all trying to get me to match with them? Right now?” I didn’t want my voice to sound as bitter and whiny as it did but oh bother.

“Taeyang isn’t,” he reasoned. That didn’t cheer me up.

“Of course Taeyang isn’t, two beams wouldn’t work together.” 

“It’s just the four of them.”

“Just? That’s not any better,” I whined once again and finally lifted up my head from where I pressed it into Inseong’s loving and understanding shoulder. “What’s gotten into them?”

“I’m sorry, noona…” I heard Hwiyoung’s deep voice behind me and turned slightly to see him. He looked properly embarrassed. Behind him were Jaeyoon and Dawon, both with sorry looks on their faces. Rowoon approached me pretty quickly as well and sat next to me, putting his hand on my back next to Inseong’s, as he usually would whenever I was upset. This time, however, it must have stirred something in the other guys because they all started surrounding me with various levels of shame and concern on their faces.

I breathed in heavily, and then out even heavier. There was no malice or anger in them anymore and that alone was enough to make my annoyance and frustration settle down. Right, I thought. My boys, my good guys. My best pack of friends who I spent all of my time with. Was it really so weird of them to want to match with someone who they already knew? I still couldn’t understand why they all got to it at the same time, though, and the way they all cornered me made me feel awful.

“You’re all acting like idiots right now,” I muttered, more disappointed than angry. “How come you all want me to try and match with you, but none of you can even say anything properly? What’s up with the bush beating, was I supposed to figure it out myself? Did you really think jumping on my back all four at the same time was the best solution to this?”

Sure, I was being a little more mean than I had to, but somehow I felt justified in my words. A quick scan of the guilty faces around me told me I’m driving the point home, but knowing that as a group they could be thick sometimes, I decided to press it once more.

“You all being secretive and weird isn’t helping anyone. Just fucking talk to me.”

Hwiyoung muttered a soft “sorry” from where he was crouching on the ground in front of me and I patted his arm, and then pat Rowoon’s leg as well. Someone’s hand sneaked into my other, free hand, and I looked up to find a worried Dawon at the end of the mystery arm. Ironically enough, nobody was talking.

“I don’t… I’ve never…” I sighed, and got my words together. “I have never thought about matching with any of you guys and I don’t think I can right now. It’s not a spontaneous decision to make. You know that, right?” Someone nodded and someone muttered that yes, they know.

“But, nobody? Never thought about it?” Jaeyoon asked and I looked up at him. There was something strange in his eyes, something I haven’t quite seen before. I wondered if I just never looked close enough, or if it was just never there, but now that I’ve seen it, it made me want to stand up and hug Jaeyoon and lie a little just to make him feel better. He was such a sweet guy, after all, I thought, and then sighed. They all were.

“I like you all. You’re all so important to me. You’re all my friends, my best friends.”

“Don’t you have someone who you like more?” Rowoon asked and I wasn’t sure how serious he was, or if he was joking at all.

“I don’t,” I answered sincerely. “My heart is just really big I guess and I can like a lot of people all the same.” 

Hwiyoung looked down, but then looked up a little more hopeful and a little less ashamed, as if he wanted to say something, but didn’t, in the end.

“I really can’t just pick someone today, like this, you dumbasses. I’m not even going to try. I’m tired.” I sniffed, even though I wasn’t crying. Maybe my eyes prickled a little bit but that was just the exhaustion speaking, I was sure. Inseong moved his hand to my shoulder blade and patted it lightly in a comforting matter. 

Hwiyoung was the first to get up and away from me, and then Rowoon followed through. Jaeyoon seemed like he was looking for something in my face, but when I looked back at him, he either didn’t find it, or found something else than he expected, because he shook his head and moved away. I didn’t let go of Dawon’s hand right away, not before looking up at him and making sure he’s getting what I’m saying.

“I’m sorry we made you feel cornered.” He was looking genuinely apologetic, so I nodded.

“I know you weren’t trying to. I’m just gonna go now.”

Mutters of “sure” and “goodnight” echoed behind me as I waved my guys goodbye and headed for my room.

My wristband beeped and blinked orange at me when I checked out of the common space, the system unhappy with my low efforts at socializing and match-seeking. I couldn’t care less. 

The next morning was uncomfortable, both with yesterday’s sweat and with yesterday’s memories. Fortunately, both were washed off quite easily with a long, warm shower. Instead of quickly drying my hair i let it down and allowed it to air dry as I lounged around my room in my bathrobe, going over my weekly training plan, playing with my wristband and then with my tablet. At first I had to force myself to not think about what happened, but then it came naturally and I relaxed a little. Then, my wrist beeped with a message from Inseong asking if I’m gonna go down for breakfast and I was forced to think about everything again. 

They guys aren’t going to try and bring up matching again any time soon, right? The next matching of the season was more than two months away, as the calendar predicted. There was no possibility to even try releasing your powers to bond with someone on any other day. I should be safe, I reasoned.

Maybe the guys all just wanted to match with someone they know really badly, and didn’t want to go with Taeyang for some reason. Maybe Taeyang rejected them. Maybe they were just hell bent on getting a beam to match their shield, even though I didn’t really see the point, if shields were said to be the more powerful type anyway. Maybe they just had a weird moment, and then I would go downstairs and see them all acting normal and never mentioning matching, as they did for the seasons before. That made sense, right?

Equipped in good faith and confidence, I sent a voice recording back at Inseong, telling him I’m going downstairs and to get a good seat for me.

He did, and I managed to sit right next to the huge window overseeing the courtyard. My hair was still slightly damp and I wanted it to dry quicker in the sunlight as I munched on the fruit and oats picked for my morning meal by my dietary guide. They were pretty good, no complaints, and that only lifted my mood even further.

“So what’s gotten into them yesterday?” I asked finally, when Inseong brought up the topic of the boys being absent from the morning meal.

“I have no idea who mentioned what, but when I arrived, they were all discussing who gets to ask you first. I had to tell them over and over again that you’re not even looking for a match right now, but they were hoping that if they ask, you know…”

“I know,” I winced, and mutilated my apple a little out of annoyance. “So do you think they’re going to let it go today or…?”

“I mean, they should,” Inseong stared into the distance wistfully. “They seemed pretty embarrassed after you scolded them yesterday.”

“Come on, I wasn’t that bad.”

“They were sulking when I left.”

“When did you leave?” I asked, just out of curiosity, but the slight blush on Inseong’s cheeks made me think. “Wait, did you leave with Youngbin?”

“I mean, not really, but…” Inseong looked at me and then back away bashfully. “He wasn’t there already when you came, but I did visit him.”

“How did it go?”

“You know. Nothing big. I asked him to train together again and he seemed excited to do that.”

I did a little victory dance in my seat before high fiving Inseong happily. He was trying to get something going on with Youngbin since the last season and I was honestly just really glad that it was starting to look up. Even if they were mostly training together and sometimes grabbing snacks, for Inseong it meant a lot, as he got to spend time with his crush.

“So when is he joining our group lunches?”

“You know he won’t be,” Inseong swatted at me but seemed quite happy despite my teasing. 

“Not with that attitude, he won’t!”

We laughed a while longer, until we have both finished our meals and had places to go, things to do. In my case it was a simple research and meditation session, and I was ready to wrap my mind around some complicated topics. My hair has dried fully, and as I was walking through the corridor in the general direction of the library, I was playing with it a little, saying hello to some people I passed, and in general being happy. 

I should have expected the happiness to end quickly, or at least as soon as I noticed my boys huddled together near a staircase. 

“Oh, hi! Rowoon, Jaeyoon, Dawon,” I started, before noticing a fourth head in the crowd.

“Hi, noona!” Hwiyoung popped up and I started sensing a theme. Why were my four new admirers all in cahoots? My smile faltered a little.

“Oh it’s so great you’re here, we were just looking for you, listen,” Jaeyoon started, and soon I found myself almost surrounded.

“We know how we’re going to handle this. So we were talking yesterday, right, about the whole matching mess, and we came up with an idea how to settle this.” Rowoon seemed weirdly excited. I didn’t like it.

“What did you come up with?”

“There’s two months until the next matching day, right?” Hwiyoung chipped in. “That’s quite a lot of time.”

“Right.”

“Right, so, we thought, we can all give you, like, a trial run, of what it’s like to be together and be matched.” Jaeyoon continued, but I wished he didn’t.

“A what?”

“A trial run, sorta. We’ve even come up with some rules. Each of us would just. Spend two weeks with you, training with you, everything a couple would do.”

“A power bonded match!” Dawon interrupted, hearing Jaeyoon slip up like that.

“Right, right,” Rowoon chimed in. “Since you said that you can’t decide just like that, so you’d have some foundation to decide on. To pick. You know. Who you like the most.”

“To pick?”

“Yeah, and then after eight weeks you’d still have some time to--” I didn’t let Rowoon finish, shushing him with my hand.

“Wait, wait. Hold the fuck up. What?”

Somehow, nobody wanted to respond to my question now, that I’ve raised my voice and put my hands on my hips. They all fell silent. Funny.

“So you’ve, uh, all gotten together and decided that you’re going to, what, pass me between you four like an old doll for eight weeks, and then at the very end I’m supposed to pick my favorite?”

“Now that you say it like this…” Dawon started but I didn’t let him finish. I wasn’t done talking.

“How about you don’t make decisions concerning me without getting me involved? No, without getting my permission. I’d appreciate that.”

“You don’t have to agree,” Hwiyoung started, unexpectedly. I was about to tell him that I know, and I’m not going to, but I decided to let him finish first and get angry second. “We just hoped that if all of us got an equal chance, it’d make everything easier. We were all talking yesterday and none us wants to back out, and we started arguing…”

“I don’t want to break any friendships over this,” Jaeyoon said, looking me in the eye. “I don’t think the other guys want to, either. But we weren’t getting to any conclusions, arguing over who should talk to you first and who can ask you what. Inseong was so sick of us.”

“Oh,” I just muttered, losing some of my bravado from earlier.

“It’s not that we didn’t take you into factor. This isn’t for us to decide if we really want to match with you, we all know. It’s for you to pick more easily.”

I didn’t like the sound of that, but I couldn’t find it in me to argue when Jaeyoon was looking straight at me. Instead i looked away, at Rowoon.

“Two weeks of a trial run with each one of us,” he reasoned, looking at me with so much confidence I didn’t want to interrupt. “To make us all feel like we got a fair chance. Like we all were able to convince you to trust us the best we can. And then you do whatever you want, pick whoever you want.”

I softened in my decision a little. And then more. And then I stepped from side to side. The idea seemed ridiculous and I instinctively didn’t want to agree, but also I could understand where they guys were coming from. If they dropped the subject now, I could imagine them arguing at every meal and trying to one up each other, making our little group fall apart really easily. But was this solution really going to stop this from happening?

I looked up, trying to find an answer in their faces. All I found instead was honestly and eagerness, and hope which transferred on me quite easily. If they think, if they really think this is going to help keep our circle together, then it must be worth trying, right?

“Alright,” I gave in finally, but then got more stern when the boys got too excited. “But!”

“But?”

“I don’t care about your made up rules. You want to have rules between yourselves, sure, whatever. But I’m just going to do my thing.”

“Okay,” Rowoon seemed to be expecting another blow after this line of mine.

“And I don’t appreciate you four cornering me again like this. In the middle of the hallway nonetheless.” 

“Alright,” Rowoon was still waiting for something.

“If that’s what you all four want then I guess we can try. But I’m only doing this because you said this way you won’t fight with each other, so if I see any of you fighting then I’m calling this entire thing off. And you’re not allowed to get sad at me or angry or something after this is done and over with either.”

They all nodded and muttered agreements. I found I didn’t have anything else to add.

“Is that it?” Jaeyoon asked.

“That’s it. Now I need to get my work done.”

“So are we starting tomorrow?” Rowoon asked.

“I… Guess?” I didn’t think they would want to do the whole thing right away. But then, why would they wait.

“I’m going first,” there was a lot of pride in Rowoon’s voice for something that… Odd.

“Alright… Whatever you’ve agreed on. Just message me later with, I don’t know, the details.” 

“You’re not going to regret this,” Jaeyoon ensured me confidently and Hwiyoung nodded and agreed with him.

“I sure hope I won’t.”

My eyes locked with Dawons. For some reason, he seemed just as worried as I was. But then he smiled at me, a little too brightly for it to be real, but I could appreciate the effort he was going through, so I found it in me to smile back.

As the boys waved me goodbye, I found myself going just forwards, without a direction for a couple of minutes, my head full of heavy thoughts, before I realized I was actually heading towards the library, and having to turn around on my heel. Needless to say I didn’t get much work done, only really able to focus on how I’ve probably just agreed to something really, really dumb.


	2. Oh my god, they were dating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you're tackling on four boys at pretty much the same time, and you're starting with Rowoon, it is always going to be chewing off more than you can swallow. The best you can hope for is for Rowoon to be a really sweet boyfriend. Wait, boyfriend?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally owe my firstborn to Rachel at this point. Thank you so much.

 

Memories of what I signed myself up for started plaguing me mere seconds after I opened my eyes. I welcomed them with a loud and hearty groan. Was it really too late to back out of this mad scheme now? Maybe I could call it off if I tried?

A couple of swipes on my wristband and I got myself up to date with Rowoon’s shenanigans. I logged onto the system and was quickly greeted with basic info on him, displaying a small “online” status and a green frame of mind bar. My own status updated as well, and I decided it’d be a futile effort to avoid this farce any longer, now that I couldn’t pretend to be asleep. Trying to hide my distress from my voice, I sent him a quick voice note saying that I’m up and if he wants to catch me before breakfast he can get to my dorm in half an hour, reserving myself some time to get sorted and mainly just think.

I tried going over everything once again, the pros and cons of it all. I agreed to spend two weeks each with four of my friends, pretending to be their match and essentially getting a demo version of what it would be like to bond powers with them. Pros, they would get off my case afterwards. Cons, it would go on for about two months before the strange agreement came to an end. Pros, I tried to reason, I would always have someone to train with and spend my off time with. Cons, I started thinking, it didn’t seem to me like it really would be just for training purposes.

Jayeoon’s slip up the other day made me start thinking about the true nature of this agreement. While getting offers from strangers every matching possibility made my attitude towards matching pretty sour, I wasn’t a complete hater. I wasn’t opposed to the idea of matching with someone you love, not at all; I just didn’t see the sense in romantic context to it. When I talked about it before with the guys, they seemed to agree with me, saying that finding your match should happen naturally. Now, however, their words gained a second meaning. It would make sense for them to say that if they all counted on forming a connection with me naturally. It would make sense for them to argue so badly over matching with me, if they were all…

I couldn't finish the thought. Somehow, even thinking about these words made my stomach turn for reasons I didn't quite understand. My thoughts whirred into overdrive. Were they hiding it from me? Why would they do that? How did that start, when did it start? Were they all four, really, were they in…

I couldn't even think about that, once again. I swallowed heavily. I just didn't want to, couldn’t believe that to be the reality. It would mean that I either made four important to me people feel like they have to hide their real feelings from me, or that I simply failed to notice something massive. It would mean that either way, what I thought to be an amazing friendship was something quite different for me than it was for everyone else involved, and not in a good way, too. Just one person hiding their feelings was realistic. Two was harsh, but not unheard of. But four? How was that any different from living in a lie? I shook my head angrily at the empty room and blank walls.

Were they all four, really, wanting to date me?

There. That thought went down a little smoother. Still, thinking about the entire mess that was my life starting yesterday made me cover my face with a pillow and groan loudly in disbelief. Because seriously. What the hell did I just agree to?

I didn’t actually agree to fake date them or anything, I reasoned to myself finally. I only agreed to try and see what it’s like to be a match. To fight together, train together. To help each other get stronger. I did not agree to any romantic activity and did not have to do it, and hopefully nobody was even expecting that from me. Right? That thought process gave me a surprising amount of motivation, so I latched onto it as I got ready to get out of my room.

This is not a dating thing, I reminded myself, fixing my hair. Nobody ever said it’s about dating, I changed my clothes and ignored the fact that someone sort of did. This is probably only about getting more powerful together, as partners—I packed my bag and zipped it closed a little too aggressively—not romantic partners. Why am I even considering this to be romantic? I ran down the stairs and to the east wing dorm entrance where I knew Rowoon would be waiting, confident that it was not, could not be a dating thing.

As soon as I rounded the corner, I stopped dead in my tracks.

“Oh no,” I groaned and closed my eyes as if that was going to stop what I was seeing from happening.

“Hey, you ok? What’s wrong?” Rowoon asked, obviously genuinely concerned. I could hear the cellophane in his hand rustle when he moved towards me. Closing my eyes proved useless when the sounds were also betraying me.

I had to face the reality. Rowoon was holding a huge bouquet of pink tulips. He brought me flowers.

“This is a dating thing.” Paralyzed with existential dread, I didn’t have the mind required to make me not say my thoughts out loud.

“Well, I mean…” Rowoon blushed and I groaned. He wasn’t denying. Why wasn’t he denying?

“So this trial run deal is about dating?” I might have started to go into breakdown mode in the middle of the courtyard. Fortunately, nobody really cared. “Really, I just got roped into two weeks of dating.”

“This doesn’t have to be dating if you don’t want it to be,” with his eyes avoiding mine Rowoon a mix of really embarrassed and kicked puppy.

“But you thought that I want it to be?” I tried to make my voice sound not harsh.

“Well…” Rowoon’s eyes became more earnest. “Didn’t you?”

I sighed and sat down on a windowsill just next to me. I had to think and that meant sitting down.

What should, in theory (at least according to me) be a friendly, aromantic two week training agreement, was apparently a romance oriented two week dating agreement. And apparently, I went head first into it just because I refused to make a connection that was obvious to everyone else.

Wait, was it?

“Does everyone think of this as a dating thing?”

Rowoon didn’t answer me right away. He looked so lost, in his nice coat and with nice hair, the pink tulips now hanging upside down in his grasp. It hit me how I must have been making him feel pretty awful with this display of despair. He was just trying his best, probably.

“Please just tell me, I need to think a little,” I softened my voice.

“Yeah, everyone is…” He cleared his throat and tried looking less miserable. It only half worked. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I just wanted to show you what it’d be like if you were to match with me, be together with me. That’s what the other guys are trying to do, too.”

Yeah, it was obvious to everyone else. With that conclusion, I planted my face in my palms once again and tried to think. How should I subtly inform the guys that this is not what’s going to happen? They didn’t really explain to me the terms on which the trial runs I agreed to were going to happen. But, then again, I had to admit they tried to and I didn’t really let them, saying that I don’t care and that I’m going to do my own thing. Should doing my own thing just mean rejecting their advances?

I looked up at Rowoon again. He wasn’t looking at me anymore, visibly uncomfortable, but also visibly hurt. He was adjusting the tulips in the cellophane, even though they were positioned perfectly already and I knew him enough to understand that it was a nervous gesture. Make at least one thing beautiful, if something else is falling apart. 

He was serious, I realized. He was serious about giving me a trial run of dating him, he really wanted to try for two weeks and then he was ready to pass the baton. Somehow he got himself into a situation where that agreement seemed like the best idea, and so did all the other guys, they had to be dead serious as well. Was I really about to fuck this up for them all? No, I wasn’t.

“I really have to suck it up and go out with each of you now, huh?” I asked out loud, realizing that I’m just not going to have it in me to call this off and possibly make my best friends argue over me. No way. 

I half expected Rowoon to let out a nasal chuckle, as he often would do that at my misery. What I didn’t expect, however, was the pained look in his eyes and bitterness in his voice when he answered.

“Is that really so terrible? You don’t have to force yourself, you know.” He turned his eyes back to the pretty tulips, but his voice didn’t soften. If anything, he sounded even more wounded. “I don’t think anyone would want you to suck it up. That’s far worse than you not knowing.”

I covered my mouth with my hand in realization. 

Wow. That was really shitty of me.

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want your pity.” Rowoon was on a roll apparently, his words hitting me where it hurt once again. I must have been visibly offended because when he turned to look at me, he mellowed down a little. “Sorry.”

I nodded, but I knew Rowoon was right to say what he did.

Alright. So I have never thought romantically about anyone in my circle of friends. I have never properly thought about any romance, actually. I was so focused on avoiding people pushing an empty romantic narrative on me that I must have missed a lot of possibilities of real love. I was so focused on avoiding bad matches that I didn’t bother looking for good ones. Maybe this was the world telling me that I should start?

I looked at Rowoon once again, this time properly, trying to remove the filters of being his bestie, being cornered by him, being in the same programme as him. Trying to really see him.

He was handsome, was my first thought. Tall nose bridge, pouty lips, big eyes and high cheekbones. He was also stylish, his hair styled in a careful but nonchalant way, skin toned and moisturized, shoes matching with his shirt, coat adding to his figure. He was also fit, I remembered, not only tall and muscular but also in great physical condition. Keeping up with him on his morning runs was straight up impossible, and when using his powers, he was always precise and detailed.

He was also caring, I thought, remembering how he would ask me again and again if I took care of my pulled muscles. He was easy to excite, I remembered, knowing fully well how easy it was to have him go off on tangents about how he organized his notes. He was good at cooking. He was warm and affectionate. He knew how to be careful with his words and make the best impression just as he knew how to let go and have fun with friends.

He was a good man, I thought to myself, a great man, an amazing man. Just thinking about Rowoon for two minutes made me realize that. If I was to spend more time just really looking at him, thinking about him, being next to him, could I not fall in love?

Why would I ever think of dating him as something I have to suck it up for?

“You’re right. I shouldn’t be forcing myself or pitying you. I’m going to do this because I want to and I’m not going to act miserable about it.”

“Oh.” He seemed surprised. “Really?”

I nodded, hoping that he would see it in my face that I mean it. “Yes. You asked if it’s really so terrible and I realized that it’s not. I don’t think dating you would be terrible.” Saying that cost me a tiny bit of embarrassment but I quickly pulled myself together.

“You said you wanted to seriously let me see what it’s like being with you for those two weeks. Right?”

“Right.”

“Then let’s get those two weeks started, and maybe I will realize even more things about myself.”

Rowoon first looked unconvinced, searching for a hint of dishonesty or deceit in my eyes, but then he shifted from foot to foot. He looked down, up, away, somewhere behind me and finally cleared his throat, pulling himself together. When our eyes met again, he was much more confident, and also much more bright.

“You’re about to get real lucky.”

“Oh, am I?” I answered with a slight smile. Now, cheeky banter, that was more like the Rowoon I knew. That was also infinitely more comfortable than the mindset I was just in.

“Your two-week demo boyfriend Rowoon is here to announce that you’re about to get a deluxe dating experience, after which you’re never going to want to cancel the subscription.” He hid the flowers behind his back, as if I didn’t already have a good look at them. His words sounded almost rehearsed. Did he rehearse this?

“I hope my two-week demo boyfriend Rowoon,” those words, once again, cost me a little bit of embarrassment. I felt psychological damage melting my brain, “remembers that we both will also have to train together.”

“He does.” There was no getting Rowoon off his high horse when he got onto it. “And he brings you this gift.”

With a cute but pompous gesture, he brought the flowers from behind his back, and after a small eye roll I had the courtesy to play along and receive them.

“Thank you. They’re very pretty.” I let my eyes wander from flower to flower and admire the arrangement a little.

“Not as pretty as you.”

“Come on,” I groaned. “Are you going to hit me with cheesy pick-up lines all of this time?”

“Only when they’re true.” He answered a little more quietly, and I looked up at him. 

His expression was unreadable to me, but it was soft and fond more than it was mysterious.

I decided not to answer.

“Am I supposed to go down to breakfast with those?”

“Yes. Let everyone see that you had someone go out of the facility at six AM just to drive to the nearest florist and get you flowers so that you can receive them as soon after waking up as possible.” He looked proud of himself, and I lowered the flowers in disbelief.

“You didn’t!” If he really did, I would have to admit he was onto something when he boasted about giving me the best dating experience. That would be way too thoughtful. Way too sweet.

“You’re right, I didn’t.” He smiled, and I punched his arm in response. “It was just seven AM. There’s a florist literally just a five-minute walk outside the north gate.”

“And what do you get from lying like that?” I asked, and focused on smelling the tulips. Anything not to look up at him, beaming like a beacon, knowing exactly just how much I love receiving thoughtful gifts and taking full advantage of it to gain my favor. 

“Your smile.”

I punched Rowoon’s arm again for flirting with me and headed out of the dorm courtyard and in the direction of the food hall. I could be confused and bewildered and generally unsure of what to do next, but I was also hungry, and decided to take care of that bodily need first.

Breakfast came and went, relatively uneventful. So did my first training period, and so did lunch. Rowoon might have lingered around and focused all of my attention on him but that was about it. Or actually there could have been more to it. I was too absent-minded to focus on anything that was happening that wasn’t right in front of my face.

All I could focus on was the upcoming changes I could expect. Realizing that all of the guys were definitely, for sure, in it for a dating period forced me to once again consider that perhaps, maybe, they all have feelings for me, making me dizzy with confusion. Being back on my bullshit and thinking intensely about that made me walk into a door and then also try to open a locker with a lunch box, only to realize it’s not even my locker, after which I decided I have to strictly ban these thoughts. These two weeks are Rowoon time apparently and I am only going to think about Rowoon.

So. Rowoon. My good buddy pall Rowoon. My smart, funny, a little bit annoying with his nagging but in general, a great guy, friend Rowoon. And, uh, actually, my two-week boyfriend starting today. The thought of dating him for a period of time did not make me feel bad at all, that much I’ve already established, and yet somehow it made me anxious. Just because I didn’t dislike the idea, that didn’t mean I didn’t fear the change itself.

Actually, what would even change? Would we go out together more? Would we actually stay in more, but together? What did couples even do when they wanted to, I don’t know, date? Should we even do what couples do? Wasn’t that the entire point? I should be prepared to do whatever couples do, shouldn’t I? Maybe I should text Rowoon as soon as I got back to my room and ask him out? How does one even go about that?

I was effectively pulled out of my own head by Rowoon waiting for me in the courtyard once again. Same coat, same styled hair, but this time leaning confidently against a half wall instead of hovering awkwardly around the stairway. With a deep sigh, I calmed my mind a little bit, only now realizing how messy it’s gotten.

“Well hello there!” He smiled brightly seeing me and pulled a little bouquet of some fluffy flowers I could not recognize from behind his back.

“Where did you get those?” I blurted out before I managed to stop myself.

“Why, at the florist. I didn’t pick them myself if that’s what you’re asking.” Fortunately, he didn’t seem offended. In fact, he seemed to be laughing at me a little bit.

“Are you just going to give me flowers every time you see me?” I begrudgingly accepted them.

“Not every time,” he fixed his hair nonchalantly. “Just whenever I’m taking you on a date.”

“Oh?” I cocked an eyebrow at him. “We’re going on a date?”

“Yes, we are. Outside the facility, too.”

He stood so tall and confident that it took me aback, but not in a bad way. Here was my answer, I thought. Yes, we were going to go out together and do whatever couples did. I decided to lay down on the bickering in favor of being an agreeable two-week demo girlfriend.

“Alright, date it is. Do I get to go up and change or am I going outside in training clothes?”

“I’m giving you fifteen minutes,” he announced smugly. “But don’t dress fancy. We’re just going for a walk and to grab some food.”

He smiled at me and I smiled back, gripping my bag a little tighter. “Sounds like a good date.”

“As I said, I’m going to—hey, hey, hey!” Without a warning, I put the flowers back into his hands and ran upstairs to get to my room as quickly as possible. If I wanted to take a shower, fix my hair and find acceptable outside clothes, I needed to use my fifteen minutes fully.

I didn’t manage to run back downstairs in time. For every minute I was late Rowoon sent me a frowny emoji, making the screen of my wristband turn a funny shade of yellow under the sleeves of my sweater. I didn’t care much, just laughing when I got downstairs, seeing that Rowoon himself isn’t frowning at all, but rather looking at me fondly.

When he gave me the flowers back again, I accepted them right away and put them into my tote, patting myself on the back mentally for picking a bigger one. When he extended his hand for me to take, I accepted it with a little hesitation. I didn’t regret it.

Somehow, it was just as easy to bicker with Rowoon when I was holding his hand and walking with him slowly outside the institute as it was when we were sitting in front of the training hall, kicking pebbles and talking about bullshit. It wasn’t what I expected, but it was true. I decided I could get used to that. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twitter @voguelight for more


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